Plan B

by Leanne Schulz

This is not a blog about a controversial topic, rather a topic that people don’t discuss enough, infertility.

Facing disappointments can be a challenging ordeal. Embracing the mantra, "Be stubborn about your goals, Be flexible about your methods," is a powerful way to push through challenges and adapt when circumstances demand a change in direction.

However, what about those instances when the very goals need to be redefined? What about the times when there seems to be no immediate solution, leaving us with no other choice but to “move forward” or “move on”?

Reflecting on my own experience, if someone had told me in my twenties that motherhood would be beyond reach, I would have dismissed the notion. Yet, at 32, that became my reality, accompanied by various emotional hardships surrounding that sudden loss of something I never got to own. Through out my 30’s and into my early 40’s, a total of about 10 years, the idea that I would never find that one piece in my 12,000 count “puzzle of life” box was confusing, exhausting, and heart shattering. I did not prepare myself for the child-less option. I didn’t want it. I was angry. I was sad. I was totally confused about this future identity I created in my head.

Did I mention I was angry?

We had just started our last rounds of IVF when Good Vibes Yoga was born, and as my therapist politely called it my “Plan B” (B for baby) we posed Good Vibes as our new creation so that I had something to focus on while going through an emotionally turbulent time.

After going through 4 failed IVF attempts, including using an egg donor, and spending all the extra money we had, it was it was time to call it. I had beat myself up enough, and needed emotional relief. It wasn’t until I stopped fighting myself and stopped devising the most elaborate unrealistic pregnancy options, that I started to embrace who I am and what I had right in front of me, my “Plan B”.

Instead of dwelling on what I lacked, I began focusing on the silver linings; cherishing a unique and profound love with my husband, finding time for self-evaluation, creative pursuits, and travel, and building lasting relationships with diverse and remarkable individuals while bringing something good into the world. The key, for me, was reframing disappointments as opportunities and recognizing the strength that emerges from struggles.

We were building a new legacy to make peoples lives better. That was our goal. To create a space and place where people could process their emotions mentally and physically on their mat. A place where people feel welcome and questions can find an answer through our own work.

Some might agree that ultimate goal in life is to be happy and be loved. So when we beat ourselves up, focus on all the things we don’t have, or think that we desperately need _______ to make us normal, human, woman, man, person, or loved…we miss the silver lining.

Silver lining (n): a hopeful or comforting prospect in the midst of difficulty.

My Silver Linings:

I have a love that I do not know exists anywhere else or with anyone else, than the love I have with my husband, Dan. It’s more than special. It’s unique, accepting, exciting, collaborative and romantic. Yes, I will talk about him a lot when he’s not around because I’m proud of him and respect him as a human. I hope that anyone in a relationship with themselves or another is granted the means, be it time or focus, to spend really getting intimate in that relationship – and I’m not talking about the Bow-Chicka -Wow-Wow, I’m talking about what draws us to each other as people. Conversations, fears, dreams and strategies. Asking questions, having conversations and being a little scared of the answers and learning to accept them. Growing a union of deep true love and creating a support system that is rooted in reliability, truth and trust.

I have time for self-evaluation, creative hobbies and traveling. I love to learn new things and discover new places and being allowed the space and time to do it without kids, wanted or not, has been a gift. I need 3 more lives or a lot of yoga to keep me living so I can do everything I want to do, read everything I want to read and collect experiences that I have no idea are on my path. It would have been amazing to share with a child, but that’s not my story - and WOULD it have been amazing to share with a child???? Would that have held me back? I doubt it (because I’m stubborn) but we will never know and that unknowing is now a mystery and a painted picture I get to keep in my head untouched and perfect.

I have met some of the most diverse people and created long lasting relationships with some of the most wild, loving, borderline crazy, fun, creative, nurturing people. I know that my imaginary life would have not taken me on the same path and now I can’t imagine my path without these real-life sitcom characters.

And finally my Plan B. Good Vibes Yoga. The place that makes me happy and the community that has been built. There are days when I would rather cut off a finger than fold one more towel… but if the laundry is there, that means people and friends and my second family is coming through those doors for peace, to feel better and move through their own life struggles and self-empowerment. It is my heart outside of my body. It’s the kid I never knew I’d get to have, and it comes with all the labor of love that I expected to find as parent.

I could go on and on, because I am thankful and happy for so much now in my life, but this is not a read on the 11,999 things I’m happy about in life. It’s about looking at the disappointments that we still hang onto and ask:

How are these feelings making my life better?

What do I have now that I would not have had before ______ took place?

What is one thing I learned about myself while processing this disappointment?

Some experiences take longer to bounce back from than others, but every experience has a lesson and teaches us more about how emotionally expansive we can be. We learn what we want more and less of. The fine tuning of life, if you will.

Look at what you HAVE accomplished. Observe the outcome that struggles have brought you and take a moment to reflect on those lessons that have been learned. Duality peeks around the corner yet again, remembering joy while processing disappointment.

While letting go can be hard, there are some pains that can take years even decades to feel settled. Somethings are never forgotten. Somethings never should be. These are the teaching grounds that show us the strength and resilience we are capable of achieving, wanted or not.

And that my friends, is the silver lining to disappointment.

One more thing… I will never regret having a Plan B.